The best five bucks I ever spent…

When I attended Washington State University, I soon grew tired of traveling home for the holidays. Hanging out with my friends was more my style, so I stopped going to the place I had called home for so many years.

It started out slow by just staying in the dorm at Easter, then at Thanksgiving, and then the big long one – Christmas Break.

The dorms were pretty much empty, and they closed most of them. Why have a 180 room building open for just 3 people anyway? So, for guys like me that didn’t want to go home, there were 2 choices: move to one of the buildings temporarily that they kept open for the long break, or leave town.

I was lucky enough that most of my friends were older than I, and had friends that had places to go to other than their parents. One of my friends was from Canada and since he knew I was going to be alone, he invited me to go “up north” for the break. He had a friend with a place we could crash at. The drinking/strip joint age in Canada was 19 (my age at the time) so I thought it was great opportunity!

His friend’s house wasn’t too far over the border. I think the entire drive was less than 5 hours and we both liked a show called MacGyver, so we kept ourselves busy talking about the show and other crazy shit we had done over the past college year.

When we got to his friend’s house, we started throwing down a few and before too long, it was decided that we needed to hit a strip joint. In Canada, it was legal to serve drinks and have total nudity in the same room at the same time – nice! This is going to be a great Christmas Break!

Needless to say, after burning through most of my cash that first night (a common theme for me when I’m having fun), my buddy and I are sitting at the bar with no more $1’s to tip the talent – sipping our last drink of the night.

All of a sudden, this 40+ish guy in a rumpled suit staggers up to the bar and orders a drink (I think it was a Manhattan – something sweet, gag!).

After the barkeep brings the drink, he says “That’ll be 3 loonies.”

The drunk starts going first through his wallet and then his pockets. He’s got no money. The bartender looks pissed and says, “Beat it! Loose.” taking away the drink about to pour it in the sink.

The drunk says, “Hole on a minaut…” He then turns to me and says in very clear concise English, “I’ll bet you five bucks I can piss over a bus.”

Wow! In half a heartbeat he went from a blithering drunken slob to somebody very determined to buy that next drink. Impressive to say the least. I glanced at my Canadian friend with a nod, looked back at the drunk and said “You’re on.”

We stepped out into the parking lot and looked up and down the street. No busses in sight. My friend and I shrugged and started heading back inside the joint when the rumpled suit guy says, “Wait a minaut… Why don’t you just stand back as far away from meee as you think I can’t piss. That’ll be gooood, (hic), right?”

I grinned and said OK.

I walked about 30 to 35 feet away from the drunk with my friend and said, “OK, this looks good. Go for it.”

Now before I continue, I want to disclose what I was thinking at the time. I thought this was some bar gag I had never seen or heard of before, so it was worth $5 to see what would transpire. I’ve always been someone that needs to experience something new. Something fresh. Some new bent on an old scam.

To my disbelief, this guy unbuckles his belt, starts fishing around in the front of his pants groping for his goods, and found purchase. He takes a deep breath and crouches. I’m thinking, “This is going to be good with all the theatrics.”

He then starts audibly straining!

“This is going to be really good!” I thought.

After about what I think is less than 10 seconds, he explosively stands erect and his back arches backwards! In slow-mo I see this arch of steaming piss flying at me in the cold Canadian air. I jumped out of the way and his piss splashed on the parking lot within about two feet from where I was standing. I was in total amazement! If a bus would have been there, he would have pissed over it!

He then uttered an “Oh fuck…” and fell to his knees

I walked toward him digging in my pocket for the fiver. When I got to him and offered the five, I asked why he fell to his knees? With the most serious look on his face looking up at me, he simply said, “I just shit myself.”

I was laughing so hard, I almost shit myself too!